When he told me... he loved me
PART ONE
I am fully aware I am a big hypocrite... so do as I say, not as I do... because I have no idea what I'm doing...
I will be the first to admit that when I moved to New York I was definitely not looking for love.
I had my heart set on a carer and making it as a designer in the big city. LOL thats another story.
But alas here we are.
I was traveling and ticking off my bucket list... twenty two having fun and New York was next, and my best friend and I were about to tear it up! We moved to NY in October, and I was in love!
We had just moved to our big city apartment and I got talked into tinder (thanks for that)(no seriously) it was all fun and games until a month later I met him. The first months between us were very casual...
He knew I was only there for a year.. and I knew that if I got too into it I would be hurt or worse. We went on a few dates which turned into a few more... and two months after I met him we had a fight.
Im not sure what was going through my mind, though I was probably 70% gin at that point but I cracked...
We went to a party deep in Brooklyn at one of my flatmates many special 'friends' houses, packed with 150+ strangers and an open bar, I was unable to deny I was very drunk.
Sitting outside I saw a notification pop up on his phone, another girl... Well I think thats what it was... it wasn't me, it had to be someone else... God I was drunk and now I was furious but I couldn't really tell you now, if thats what I really saw, or if thats what fueled me.
I had to think, I didn't say anything, and went inside. I wasn't sure how to confront that situation and in my state I really thought, the words coming out of my mouth might just not make any sense... my mind imploded... We weren't really together. Or were we?... we hadn't really talked about it... I liked him, I liked him alot... but if I loved him I would have said something right... Did i just think that?!...
My mind was spinning and not just from the gin... agh I'm an idiot... I needed some clarity... vodka! that's clear... I headed for the bar.
Getting distracted as usual I somehow ended up talking about it to a stranger. Some guy I'd never meet in the line for the bathroom (as you do) and from what I remember, he was helpful but I do have vivid images in my head of him looking like Dj Khaled, but in a white t-shirt..."you should just go home if you think he's playing you..." he said in his deep raspy, I'm about to break into rap voice ...to my drunk self that seemed like a great idea, run from your problems! GENIUS! thanks Dj Khaled! you're amazing... "hey I can take you home if you like...do you live round here" oooop there it is.. woaha! thanks but no thanks Dj Khaled, I can do that myself....well I thought I could.
I scurried away found my flatmate and told her I wasn't feeling well, and was going home. She offered to walk with me but I declined... (NOTE: in retrospect, don't walk home alone drunk AF, especially in places littered with crazy people) but as I said before I'm a hypocrite and don't do as I do. I went and gathered my coat and then he found me...
I couldn't get anything out, just "...im going home..." cue the onslaught of questions... "why?... whats wrong?...are you okay?... are you feeling sick?... was it something I did?" I couldn't reply my eyes were welling, I wasn't even sure why I was crying, sometimes the tears just come out and I cant stop it... I just started to walk...
My mind was blank, my stomach was turning this time definitely not from the alcohol and the tears were streaming down my face... "what are you doing??.. You're an idiot! Falling in love in a foreign country... I caught myself of guard... did I just think what I thought, I thought? Did I love him?
