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I was at college one year, and we were having class on the beach. It was the end of the year, a beautiful sunny day and about two weeks off finishing the semester... and then it hit me... Sitting in this tropical paradise, even though I had been going to classes all year, I probably hadn't been listening because I hadn't submitted any work, no assignments, no essays, no thesis, nothing! I started to panic!.... I looked up my classes... wait I didn't even know what my classes were called. "Statistics of the human body in Space"? "Nutrition for safari animals"? "Visual representations of the theory of pants"?  What the actual fuck? What type of classes was I taking! let alone what type of degree was I trying to get?! and how the hell was I going to talk myself out of not failing "Social studies for the a parrots pandemonium"?

 

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One time I walked into a clothing store I regularly frequent, I had been in there only a few days earlier and I was looking through the racks when the shop assistant approached me... 
"Um, you need to pay for that" she said "what?" I enquired... "Your kimono?!" she sassed 
I tried to explain to her that I had been in the store recently and purchased the kimono earlier this week. That I was wearing it when I entered the store and that It had no security tag on it, hence why I didn't set off any alarms... but she wasn't buying it. She seamed confused and quiet, and then started to scream over and over again  "THE KIMONO KILLER IS BACK! RUN! THE KIMONO KILLER IS BACKKK!" - I guess I was the kimono killer... maybe because that kimono slayed hahaha

 

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I have vivid visions of being a whale in the pacific ocean, and I am being chased and hunted by Japanese whaling ships. I cant get away no matter how fast I swim, they always find me.
 

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Have you ever  thought about what is in toothpaste? As in what if the fine print on the label actually said that it contained ground up white carcinogenic bugs that look similar to wasps and ants but are entirely white. And you put that stuff in your mouth twice a day for twenty years and then eventually one day they don't quite stir the mixture properly and thats what falls into the sink. Tiny white cancer causing bugs. And thats why when you brush your teeth everything feels gritty because its their crunchy exoskeletons in a paste. 

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I don't think I have ever even had a smoothie bowl? but there was peanut butter on top of this one, so I assumed it had to be stirred through?... With no spoon in sight, I figured my finger would have to do... I stuck it in... just like little Jack Horner with his christmas pudding .
Though it was a little cold, I started to stir. Now I'm not sure if you have come across this phenomena but my smoothie bowl was like quick sand, the peanut butter sticking my fingers together and making it harder and harder to stir... the smoothie was working its way up my fingers ... and next thing I know my whole hand was in the bowl still trying to furiously stir that damn peanut butter in... It did taste delicious though.

 

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Hows life? Well one time I was eating corn chips. Casually munching away and then laughed at something soooo not funny. They got all up in my nose and into my airway, every time I coughed/spluttered or attempted to talk corn chips would come out my nose and mouth, in sizably large chunks - thats how my life is going.

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So I was at a bbq, I was with my family and in a lovely house in the city. Im not sure who's house it was but  i just go where I'm told, plus it was just overall a lovely Saturday night. They had a lovely outdoor area and a spa which I was totally envious of and the most amazing lap pool you've ever seen. It was right out of an architecture magazine.

Then half way though the night, everyone suddenly got naked! I figured everyone must be nudist but the weird thing was it didn't phase me... but what I did find concerning was that waiter was clothed... but not like fully clothed. Like wet t-shirt competition clothed (I'm not sure why they hired a waiter) or why I could now see her nipples through her top, but I guess it's more professional that she wears some sort of clothing considering the food handling and such... Next thing I know everyone's in the hot tub, but from what I remember they all put clothes on for this activity, agh I can't keep up! 

 

After that debacle and seeing some things that can't be unseen... I meet a lovely couple, that had brought their young child with them to this shit show. It was asleep in its stroller, but they wouldn't let me see it, very over protective I guess (which was totally understandable at this type of party). Anywho we get chatting and they are over sharers. Like wow. I feel like I know everything about their lives, their debt, their sex life and their dreams, it's like i've know them for years. I really hope thats not me in ten years. 

They don't say goodbye, but  I did see them walk away into the dark night. They walked under the streetlights and across the sports field, that I can see from the balcony at whoevers house this is.

I didn't see or hear from them again that night and it made me a little nervous and uneasy.... like they didn't get home or something bad happened.

I forgot about it, turned back to the group I was sitting with and start chatting to a lady I've seen before. Maybe on tv? I think she was on a dating show once, probably the bachelor or something, I cant place her but (though I'm not judging) she had a significantly older partner, maybe 35 plus years her senior. *cough* golddigger *cough* . Though I'm sure I've never met her she is throwing some serious shade in my direction. What an absolute bitch! I really want to fight her, but I resist (Note to self: should probably look into anger management classes) Woaha then she starts to talk about me in as if I'm not there to her partner... "blah blah bah this,  blah blah blah that" ... really personal things I don't tell anyone. How does she know? Why is she bringing up everything in front of all these people? EVERYTHING! What is her problem?! I've only just met these people... where the hell were they getting their information?
 

 

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When I walk through the door, everything in the house had changed, it was no longer a modern family home as it was before, now it's a pre american civil war saloon/museum thing and everything on the walls is behind glass. It's like being in the Smithsonian, but this is my home. Everyone is the living room is in period costume, corsets and petticoats, waistcoats and top hats and so am I. It is like i walked into a movie set, eh details are perfect.  I find my family, in the chairs that are all lined against the wall. 

I go and sit with them and observe the room. It is filled with what can only be described as "steam punk accordion pianos" like the kind you would find in church (not that I ever go) but with all the working gears and cogs on the outside. They are like a piano/organ/thing but with a pull out a accordion on the front and peddles, it's definitely a spectacle. 

The music begins, and jeepers, it sounds terrible. 
Everyone is having a great time, despite the ear piercing sound and it is definitely quite a laugh. The crowd is being really supportive and clapping along to the resemblance of some beat, as everybody pounds on these contraptions. The room is buzzing with people and them a man steps up to play he sits at one of the pianos in the middle and starts to play, everyone else goes quiet and we all listen. He is actually quite good, no... he is amazing and can actually get some form of music from this contraption. Everyone loves it and starts to clap and cheer. 

Then my mother steps up to play, she is convinced that she is just as good as him and she sits down on the piano thing next to his. Ah shit here we go. In her American pre civil war dress and short pixie cut it is quite as sight. She starts to sing... then rap and pull out what can only be described as some tribal African electronic techno on the piano next to him. I'm a mix of emotions. Shocked, appalled, impressed!  Then she grabs some xylophone sticks and it only gets worse! Her music seems to go on forever, her just beating these planks of wood with her fists and some sticks and making scratching sounds, but it works. Impressed with herself she smiles at me,  and it's a disaster, but it's hilarious and I manage a smile back. Then she stands and takes a bow. 
 

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I'm in my bathroom doing my makeup before work, its 5am, the middle of winter and it's dark outside. No one else is up in the house just me and the quiet is peaceful. then as I apply my mascara a woman appears in the mirror. She looks familiar and I turn around. I think it is a family friend, I know her... but where from? When did she get here? I didn't even hear the door open? hmm... I can't quite put the face but she is heavily pregnant, pushing eight months, and I don't remember her telling me about anyone having a baby anytime soon?.. She stares at me, I stare at her, and then she whispers "there is someone in your room". I walk to my room and peer round the corner and there is a dark shadow beside my bed, it reaches its hand out to me...
 

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We are all on a boat, sailing under clear blue skies on a beautifully clear ocean. Relaxing and taking some time out. Though they called it a 'sailboat' on the brochure... it resembles more of a pirate ship, but its sunny and I don't have a care in the world. 
I see another boat in the water. Close enough that I could talk to its occupants If I shouted loud enough. I go up on deck and there is a heated argument going on, everyone is yelling at the other boat and then they approach me. "You have to go over there, we don't have any other choice" they say, "but how?" I reply "How will I get over to the other ship?" they cant expect me to swim!
"Well your just going to have to swim aren't you" he say, kinda sassily but also very matter of factly... like I hadn't thought of that myself. 

Arhhh crap, and I finally give in. I'm going to be the peace maker and go talk this other ship down, so we don't have a riot on out hands. I get to the edge of the deck and look down at the water, which isn't actually water it is rolling hills and we have to be a good 10 stories off the ground. We must be in a hot air ballon! I take a step back, I am shit scared of hight's and it takes me by surprise. "How am I meant to swim through that?" I remark. 
"I'm not sure?" the captain says "Thats why we called you up here"

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